It's been a very long time since I've written anything. I once had lots of time on my hands... Then I found out I was pregnant with Matty and I just wanted to nap all. the. time! =)
My pastor posted a blog titled "A Miscarriage Is More Than You Think".
It got me thinking about our story that happened 3 years ago...
I was sitting reading the story of Rebekah giving birth to twins for our Bible time in my 1st grade class. All of a sudden I had this thought "I wonder if I'm pregnant." It really came out of no where. After work, Anthony went to his Bible Study with his guy friends and I ran to Target to buy a pregnancy test. I took it at home and it was the faintest 2 lines....2!... so I took 2 more tests (can you relate? hehe). They all showed I was pregnant! Anthony came home and I showed him the results and thus began our excitement. It was so much fun thinking about how to tell our parents, family, and friends. It was so much fun thinking about what it would be, names, how our family of 2 would go to 3, etc. etc. etc. I told a couple friends, then we planned a trip to MN to tell my family. I bought a "Grandma's photo album" for my mom and a board book for my grandma. On our way up I was so nervous excited! I wanted my dad, mom, and brother in the room at the same time. I wanted them to be surprised. I had been praying for God's timing to have a child and here was His answer!
... so I thought.
I love giving presents, it's my jam. Everyone was in the kitchen (perfect!) when we arrived at my parents house, so I gave mom her bag and she didn't think anything of it. She opened it, saw the Beatrix Rabbit and thought it was cute. Said thank you and put it down. Silly mom. I asked if she read what it said on the cover and then she FINALLY pieced the clue together. They were all excited and Dad wanted me to go tell Grandma right then! So dad, me, and Anthony all went over to her house and gave her the board book and she was very excited for her first great-grandchild.
The next day was Oct. 13th. Anthony's birthday. We were going to have a party for Anthony later on that day and tell more family our good news. But instead, I woke up knowing it was over. Without going into detail, I had to call the nurse line and ask what she thought was happening and she told me to go in to have the baby checked. I cried. My mom tried to give me hope that things might still be OK, so I clung to that idea. It was a long ordeal finding the right hospital that could help me. It was a long ordeal to find out what happened. The nurse started positive with a "You are pregnant! Congratulations! About 6 or so weeks a long." and the ultrasound tech ended with a "I'm sorry, we can't find anything."
I always say "God gave me the best way possible in the worst circumstance." I was very early along, I had no pain, I didn't have to have any kind of surgery, etc. But my heart broke. There went my dreams. There went my hopes. There went my love. Gone. All in a moment. It felt like a nightmare.
My family gave their condolences and tried to cheer us up at Anthony's birthday party. I did my best to hang in there that day and it was a nice distraction. But then we went back home and it hit like a ton of bricks. My principal was wonderfully understanding and let me have a couple days off (more if I had needed it). My energy was gone. I felt sick and weak. And the tears just kept coming.
I had read a book that gave me the idea to name the baby. I wanted it gender-nutural since we didn't know what it was (although there was a "it's a girl" sign in front of a house we drove by on the way home from the hospital, so that always makes me wonder). Anthony and I said "Kelly" almost at the same time. And I wanted to add "Joy" (even though it's more girly) because for that short time, the baby had brought such joy.
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I had many family and friend rally around me and help me through the dark time. Here's what they did for me, so you can have some ideas if ever needed. (Please think about the words you say. If you've never been in that persons shoes, don't act like it's "no big deal.")
- A friend gave me a book about others who went through losing a baby. We also met up to talk about our experiences. It was helpful for me to share my story and hear hers.
- A couple friends got me a Panera gift card and put together a CD with music about trusting God through hard times and how He understands our pain.
- A couple other friends let me come over to talk and pray since I didn't want to be alone the next week Anthony had his Bible study.
- Another friend baked delicious cupcakes and printed out Bible verses.
- Another friend gave me an iTunes gift card (I used it to rent a movie to get my mind off things and bought a few songs too).
- One of my students only knew I "wasn't feeling well" and brought in a baggie with toast and sprinkles on it. It was adorable.
- Relatives sent cards.
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God has the big picture and I fought to trust it. I had to stop asking "why". I don't know all the why's, but I do know I made a very good friend through that hard time and I understand others going through a loss better.
My heart has healed from my miscarriage (even though it still is sad). And I now have two happy healthy busy boys and they are my pride and joy.
God knows where you are at today. He will walk with you through the valleys and give you hope.
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